War

"Of course a war is entertaining. The immediate fear and suffering of the humans is a legitimate and pleasing refreshment for our myriads of toiling workers. But what permanent good does it do us unless we make use of it for bringing souls to Our Father Below? When I see the temporal suffering of humans who finally escape us, I feel as if I had been allowed to taste the first course of a rich banquet and then denied all the rest. It is worse than not to have tasted it at all. The Enemy, true to His barbarous methods of warfare, allows us to see the short misery of His favourites only to tantalize and torment us — to mock the incessant hunger, which, during this present phase of great conflict, His blockade is admittedly imposing."

-Screwtape to Wormwood, C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters

Restoration

"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, and strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen."
1 Peter 5:8-11

Never has this passage stood out to me as it does now.

I do not fully understand what is happening. I understand only that much has changed over the course of the past few weeks, and that my enemy is now attacking with a renewed force that I have not seen or felt in years. It hit Saturday morning like a freight train finally emerging from a tunnel after weeks of docile hiding. The familiar depression, the weight. Surprised as I was, I was ready. Resolute. Determination swelled.

This time will be different.

You won't have me this time. Not this time. Never, ever again. This is done.

Not because of my strength. I was foolish enough to pit myself against you toe-to-toe far too many times. No, it is not because of my strength that you have lost - it is because of my weakness. In my weakness, my king's strength is perfect. Perfect.

You are not my king.

And I am not who I once was.

I belong to Him.

You have beaten me down - He will restore me. You have lied to me about who I am - He will confirm me. You have assaulted me - He will strengthen me. You have debased and humiliated me - He will establish me.

I am His.

With a single word He spoke me into existence. As my still-forming heart poisoned itself and beat for the first time, He knit me together. And when I was born my broken and depraved spirit still bore the very image of the One who had crushed your head.

You paid a visit unexpectedly at work today. I could barely breathe. Couldn't even look up. It must have made you giddy to watch my spirit writhe in pain.

But then I heard Him. Time slowed as His whisper broke through the smoke and fire. His Word was there.

And I faced you, trembling, and echoed His words. I could feel you hesitate. I said His name.

Jesus.

I will not be that wounded little boy, that broken man forever. He is restoring me.

I will face you with tears flowing, with my spirit still writhing, soaked in His blood. The blood of Jesus.

Jesus.

Blood flows from His crown of thorns, cleansing my thoughts. Blood from His hands, cleansing that which I have touched. Blood from His feet, cleansing where I have walked. Blood from His back, cleansing the years I turned my back upon Him. Blood from His side, cleansing even that which is inside of me, that which I have wished for years that I could tear out and destroy. Even that which you have made every effort to cultivate.

And I stand facing you and all the horrors of Hell

redeemed

For my Jesus is already victorious.

Exhaustion

O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing;
heal me, O LORD, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled.
But you, O LORD - how long?
Turn, O LORD, deliver my life;
save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
For in death there is no remembrance of you;
in Sheol who will give you praise?

I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eye wastes away because of grief;
it grows weak because of all my foes.

------

O LORD my God, if I have done this,
if there is wrong in my hands,
if I have repaid my friend with evil
or plundered my enemy without cause,
let the enemy pursue my soul and overtake it,
and let him trample my life to the ground
and lay my glory in the dust.


Where am I?

Timeline

If you could see a timeline of your life - a linear representation of your journey: your thoughts, emotions, fears, hopes, spiritual growth - what would you see?

I've been writing in my journal tonight and decided to flip back a few months and read some old entries, wondering what, if anything, I had written earlier on the subject I am thinking, praying, and writing about tonight. Indeed I had - and I'd forgotten. And what I read literally made my jaw drop. I am not kidding.

Just a few months back I had written heartfelt and desperate pleas about the very subject I was considering tonight - except I was asking for things that I'm asking for again in a new way tonight. My journal entries over the past few months, when read in chronological succession and all at once to form a mosaic, are eerily self-fulfilling. That is to say - I can literally see and READ God preparing my heart over the past few months, causing me to ask the right questions of myself and of Him. I can see Him pushing the mental and spiritual jigsaw puzzle into place. I can see Him pushing people into and out of my life that were necessary to get to this point, here, tonight. I suddenly see the hand of God in my life in an unbelievable way over the past few months, and in one area in particular. The linearity is incredible and the signs difficult to ignore. He's been working overtime on this, and I think I may know why.

And all this time I couldn't see it. All this time I was going about my walk with Him and totally blind to what He was really working on - I thought I was in one place and headed for a particular destination, yet all the while He was tearing up the pavement from under me and re-laying the road to His own destination in His good pleasure. His sovereignty is humbling and His grace and patience are dumbfounding.

If His road is going where I think He may be paving it, everything is about to change.

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
-Proverbs 16:9

Berlin

Sometimes, when I'm tired and there doesn't seem to be much rest to be had; when work gets stressful (ha); when I wonder about the future - I think of Berlin. Someday I'd like to go back for a little while.

On that subject, here's a cool song from 1981 about Berlin.

Jesus Really IS Just that Good.

Just when I think He can't possibly take it any higher, He one-ups it and shows me a whole new side of Himself. I am bowled over with thankfulness and amazement at you tonight, Lord. Jesus, thank you for your providence, your mercy, and your hand in all things. You truly are the Prince of Peace and the Author and Perfector.

Your transformative grace goes beyond my understanding - but I am loving the ride.

The Proverbs 31 Woman

I am waiting for the Proverbs 31 woman.

She is an "excellent wife." She is "far more precious than jewels." She "plants a vineyard with the fruit of her hands." She is clothed with strength and dignity. She laughs. She opens her mouth with wisdom. She fears God.

I am waiting for the woman whose heart I can trust in.

I have been waiting for what feels like forever. And I'm convinced that it won't be much longer.

Lately I have been praying specifically for this, which is something that I have never done. I've always prayed for the development of the heart that will necessary to be her husband. I've prayed for the ability to recognize her. I've prayed for strength and perseverance and wisdom and will and purity and courage and redemption and steadfastness.

Now, I eagerly and confidently pray for her coming - and for my swift and decisive pursuit of her when she is revealed.