Waste Not, Want Not

Today I called Comcast and told them to shut off cable TV. "What's the problem with the service? What's going on?" The woman on the other end sounded genuinely concerned.

"It sucks up too much time," I told her. "I just don't want it anymore."

There was this pause of silence on the other end of the line as she processed what must have been the unthinkable. And then she managed to persuade me to actually keep the cable activated but instead downgrade it to "limited" cable, which is apparently like 18 channels. Whatever. The cost of doing that versus keeping just internet was $2 less expensive (the cost for the internet itself almost doubles when it's not a bundle) so I just did it. I'm not planning on connecting the cable to the TV anyway, so yes, Comcast, I will gladly pay you less money for a service I won't use.

I packed up the cable box and remote control and took them into the Comcast store later in the day. I feel so liberated, not because cable TV was this huge drain on my time (it was) but more so because this was something I had identified in my life plan for the next year that was just a huge time-sucker, and it feels good to have taken a concrete step of action toward that plan. It gives me hope that I can actually achieve some of the things on my life plan this year. Now instead of watching TV on Saturday mornings or on weekday evenings I will read instead.

I know what you're thinking: shutting off his cable is a big achievement? Yes. It is. So is scheduling doctor and dentist appointments. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

1st Week of Vacay Already Half Over!

And there is still so much recharging to be done and rest to be had. The plan for now is to head either east or west this Friday for a short overnight jaunt, either to Eastern Washington or all the way to the coast, maybe somewhere along the Olympic Peninsula, which I have never actually circumnavigated.

The plan for the overnight jaunt is to shut off the Blackberry, take my Bible, a notebook, my journal, and a pen, and find a quiet place to sit outside and write, journal, and pray for about a day and a half. I had originally hoped on going up into the mountains, but since I don't really have the gear for that and don't really feel like spending the money on getting it right now, I will probably find a cheap cabin to rent somewhere and do that; unless, of course, the cost of renting a cabin for one night is equal to what it would cost to buy a tent and some basic camping gear - then I'm roughing it.

It has been really nice to not be getting up for work in the morning at the usual time, to sleep and wake up without an alarm, go to the gym, read a book (started Tim Keller's The Reason for God this week), and hang out with friends. I feel so much better, and apparently I must look it too because as I was leaving my apartment today the front desk girl told me I had my "relaxed Matt" face on. I wasn't aware there was a "wound-up Matt" face that I apparently wear for most of my days; something to pray about I guess.

In any case, I feel like this time needs to be used well in order to practice listening to God in quiet, doing some reflection and prayer over the next couple of years of life, and planning. Lots of life areas to hit up: work, community group, relationships, redemption, growth. Lots of heavy lifting but I am excited.

DISC

Just took a DISC Test:

Dominance: 28
Influence: 20
Steadiness: 8
Compliance: 44

The only thing that really surprises me is the Steadiness factor. I would have considered myself a more steady person than an 8. But hey, I guess the anal-retentiveness wins out over steadiness. Ha!

Relief in Fragility

Even though Redemption Group is officially over, the sense of fragility that hung over all of life during that time has remained, in large part, intact. I am beginning to wonder if the Lord is trying to teach me something about the emotional state that I've held toward him for so long - a state of guarded trepidation and a lack of surrender. Lately it seems like all I know how to do anymore is collapse in surrender. And being able to do that is pretty amazing.

Jesus, I am continually in awe of the fact that you continue to put up with me, continue to pursue me, and continue to bless me even as I sprint in the other direction. So often these days I just don't know how to respond to Your incredible grace other than just weep with joy and gratitude, finding myself in a place that is almost comically childlike.

I have missed You. I'm so sorry for running. Give me a heart that runs to you, not away from you.

AHHHHHHHHHH

Holy freaking goodness.

I'm really trying to get this whole priorities-on-the-plate thing down, and all I can say is that it feels like the low priority stuff just fights all the more ferociously to steal the day.

Everything's Right

Quiet contentedness tonight. Just some time with Jesus. And the world and all its trials and trivialities melt away when I'm with Him.

Everything's right tonight.

Psalm 69

I had never really thought about it until this last week, when someone called me out on it and asked that I examine my heart about this, but I've realized something about the journey that I've been on: I am frustrated not with the situation, but with God.

I am angry with God.

Angry and frustrated at what just doesn't seem to be fair. Why me, God? Why have you allowed me to suffer this way for so long? And when is it going to be enough? I've done ABC and not done XYZ - what more do you want? There is a part of my heart that screams at heaven and shakes its fist in anger. I hate this. And I hate you for letting it go on so long. You say you love me but you continue to let me suffer. What have I done wrong?

And even as I delve deeper into that anger and take it to Him in honesty, there is a parallel sense of brokenness and raw emotion coming out of this that I don't know how to process. I'm struck more deeply than ever before in my life by the significance of the cross, humbled and shamed by its power and my undeserved state. I'm desperate for a way out, for redemption, and even as my heart screams in anger, it also screams in agony and pleads for deliverance.

Today I absolutely lost it in the middle of worship at church. Psalm 69 was the catalyst.

Help me God
For the water's come up to my neck

I sink down
I cannot stand without

I've gone blind
while waiting for Your voice

Tears run down
My lungs have had enough

Hear, hear me now
Don't hide Your face from me
now
Hear, hear me out
Don't hide Your face from me
now

It struck to the core of a heart hardened by anger and frustration like a hot knife through butter. I almost ended up on the floor, clinging to and sobbing into the back of the chair in front of me.

It's because even through everything - all the anger, all the frustration, all the pride, all the rebellion - there is still a scared little boy who just wants to call out to his Father for help. He cries out in fear and desperation, not confident that his Father will even answer him, terrified of His wrath but desperately in need of mercy and rescue. Love, the boy believes, must be earned - and it is fragile, easily shattered. And it's still not enough to make the boy let go of the thing he wants even more than his Father's smile.

And that is why the cross is so powerful.

Because the truth is that Jesus' love isn't fragile and it isn't easily shattered. And even as I come to Him like a child, kicking and screaming and refusing to let go of my own picture of redemption - refusing to surrender the deepest places - He still holds me securely in His arms and whispers to me until I calm down, even as I try to escape. Like a father restraining a child throwing a tantrum, he refuses to let me have it my way.

I've got you. Too long have you fought me. Too long have you held on to your own poorly conceived notion of redemption and transformation. Too long have you been content making mudpies in a slum. I have plans, and My perfect will shall be done. And I'll whisper as long as it takes.