Romans 8 Shows Up

You know, it's funny.

These days, my old struggles seem hardly even consequential most of the time. The complete lack of control over my own mind, the depression, the sense of darkness that hung over everything - these all seem like bad dreams that I had when I was young, not facts of life just a few short years ago. And lately, it seems like most days just pass by without much thought to what was once the most enslaving sin in my life. Even temptation is easy to say no to. It's just not attractive. I know where those roads lead, and I don't want to go down them.

But this season of relative calm and peace always gets disturbed, because there's eventually a moment where I get totally blindsided, out of nowhere, and it's all I can do not to flip out because of the pressure. They happen during some of the most inconsequential moments of life: shopping at the grocery store, writing an email at work, having a cup of coffee, reading a book, driving in my car. Yesterday one hit while driving home from work.

Two things happen in those moments:

1. I am profoundly conscious of the fact that there is an excruciating, deep longing that I don't think I will ever be able to fully describe. It is as though a vacuum opens up at the core of your being and begins to swallow everything like a black hole. But no matter how much it takes, it can't be satiated, and feeling that futile desire is probably as close to hell as I will ever get.

2. Even in the intense feeling of the idolatrous desires of my heart, I am profoundly conscious of my burning desire to go home. Home home. My soul groans for redemption in these moments.

In these moments I have to remind myself that the Holy Spirit is interceding for me with groanings too deep for words. For I know not what I should pray at those times. I have no words to speak, can't speak, can't think, can't focus, can't even breathe sometimes. But what I could never express if I wrote volumes or talked for years is known by my Father, and His will is known by the Spirit. And the Spirit intercedes for me according to my Father's will. Romans 8:26-27. My Father's will. Not my imperfect, selfish, quick-fix will.

What an amazing fact that is. Let that sink in for a moment. When you can't even breathe, God sends His Spirit to intercede on your behalf, to accomplish His good and perfect will.

And I believe that His will in those moments is twofold.

1. He allows that profound, excruciating longing to be felt for a reason. He doesn't just make it stop. And the reason for that is to continue to draw my attention to Him, the one who created me and who is therefore the only one capable of truly satisfying it legitimately, to His glory and my joy.

2. As He reminds me to look to Him and the cross, He desires me to be acutely aware of my own sanctification. He desires me to read on to verse 28, where He assures me that all things - even these moments of intense trial - work together for the good of those who are called according to His purposes. This is for my good because I am called according to His purposes. This means that I am blessed on the days when these moments of intense trial and temptation come my way, when I feel that if it doesn't let up I just won't be able to make it another day. Why?

Because this is what it looks like to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. Philippians 2. We are to be obedient even to death as Christ was obedient to death on a cross. Obedience to the point of the death of our sin, putting it to death day in and day out. These horrible moments - in the grocery store, in the car - these are the opportunities for me to understand what it means to have my sin nailed to a cross so that it may die and I may live.

These are the death throes of the old heart's idolatry and the sanctification of your new heart. You are being transformed to look more like Jesus. 2 Corinthians 3:18. From one degree of glory to another.

Jesus cried out, hanging from my cross 2,000 years ago, that it is finished. My redemption is accomplished. The veil has been torn from top to bottom. I think that of all the images in Scripture, that is the one that is the most emotionally powerful for me. Can you imagine? Can you imagine the sky turning black, rolling clouds, a powerful earthquake, and the veil shorn in two? The Most Holy Place, once a room of privilege, fear, and unparalleled risk, now exposed to all; open, free, inviting, in the most beautiful symbolism ever to grace the face of the earth?

In that moment 2,000 years ago, my redemption was finished. It was accomplished. Period. End of sentence, end of story. Matthew's story ends with redemption.

All that remained was for me to be born and to live out the story that had now been written. And so here I am, living this story. Working out my salvation in the produce section of Safeway, in the right lane on Westlake avenue, at a streetside table at Uptown Espresso. All according to His will and through the intercession of the Holy Spirit.

You need to know that the story of your life is not the story of what you did with the years you were alive. The story of your life is the story of a God who transforms. He re-creates. He makes all things new.

He makes all things new.

Psalm 6

Oh Lord, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;
heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.

My soul also is greatly troubled.
But you, O Lord - how long?

Restless

Were it not for the help of Tylenol PM, I would not be sleeping much right now. I can't shut my mind off and I can't quiet all of the troubles that are weighing on me. There is so much on my mind that I'm quickly reaching the breaking point. I want to throw up my hands at the sky and scream at God, "Why - why, when it counts the most, won't you give me clear guidance? Why do you ALWAYS go silent when I need to hear you most urgently?" I feel so much pressure inside and I can't take it anymore.

Time to read the Psalms. And pray. And seek counsel.

But I'm done just not doing anything. I'm done sitting around and waiting for changes to come. I need to act, possibly take a risk, and soon, because I need to know if I'm missing out on what God has in store.

Is it just me?

Two weeks of vacation and now I'm officially restless. I'm ready to go back to work. I was feeling totally refreshed and ready to hit the grindstone again on Wednesday, but on Friday as we drove home, the familiar weight, the sinking feeling of despair started coming back - not about work, but just about everything else right now.

I'm really starting to ask myself if I'm not just a colossal idiot. I spend so much time wondering when X or Y or Z is going to happen. Maybe it's time that I get off my duff and just make it happen. Maybe it's all right in front of me. Maybe I'm just blind.

Waste Not, Want Not

Today I called Comcast and told them to shut off cable TV. "What's the problem with the service? What's going on?" The woman on the other end sounded genuinely concerned.

"It sucks up too much time," I told her. "I just don't want it anymore."

There was this pause of silence on the other end of the line as she processed what must have been the unthinkable. And then she managed to persuade me to actually keep the cable activated but instead downgrade it to "limited" cable, which is apparently like 18 channels. Whatever. The cost of doing that versus keeping just internet was $2 less expensive (the cost for the internet itself almost doubles when it's not a bundle) so I just did it. I'm not planning on connecting the cable to the TV anyway, so yes, Comcast, I will gladly pay you less money for a service I won't use.

I packed up the cable box and remote control and took them into the Comcast store later in the day. I feel so liberated, not because cable TV was this huge drain on my time (it was) but more so because this was something I had identified in my life plan for the next year that was just a huge time-sucker, and it feels good to have taken a concrete step of action toward that plan. It gives me hope that I can actually achieve some of the things on my life plan this year. Now instead of watching TV on Saturday mornings or on weekday evenings I will read instead.

I know what you're thinking: shutting off his cable is a big achievement? Yes. It is. So is scheduling doctor and dentist appointments. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

1st Week of Vacay Already Half Over!

And there is still so much recharging to be done and rest to be had. The plan for now is to head either east or west this Friday for a short overnight jaunt, either to Eastern Washington or all the way to the coast, maybe somewhere along the Olympic Peninsula, which I have never actually circumnavigated.

The plan for the overnight jaunt is to shut off the Blackberry, take my Bible, a notebook, my journal, and a pen, and find a quiet place to sit outside and write, journal, and pray for about a day and a half. I had originally hoped on going up into the mountains, but since I don't really have the gear for that and don't really feel like spending the money on getting it right now, I will probably find a cheap cabin to rent somewhere and do that; unless, of course, the cost of renting a cabin for one night is equal to what it would cost to buy a tent and some basic camping gear - then I'm roughing it.

It has been really nice to not be getting up for work in the morning at the usual time, to sleep and wake up without an alarm, go to the gym, read a book (started Tim Keller's The Reason for God this week), and hang out with friends. I feel so much better, and apparently I must look it too because as I was leaving my apartment today the front desk girl told me I had my "relaxed Matt" face on. I wasn't aware there was a "wound-up Matt" face that I apparently wear for most of my days; something to pray about I guess.

In any case, I feel like this time needs to be used well in order to practice listening to God in quiet, doing some reflection and prayer over the next couple of years of life, and planning. Lots of life areas to hit up: work, community group, relationships, redemption, growth. Lots of heavy lifting but I am excited.

DISC

Just took a DISC Test:

Dominance: 28
Influence: 20
Steadiness: 8
Compliance: 44

The only thing that really surprises me is the Steadiness factor. I would have considered myself a more steady person than an 8. But hey, I guess the anal-retentiveness wins out over steadiness. Ha!