Oh Lord, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath.
Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;
heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled.
But you, O Lord - how long?
Monday, July 27, 2009
Restless
Were it not for the help of Tylenol PM, I would not be sleeping much right now. I can't shut my mind off and I can't quiet all of the troubles that are weighing on me. There is so much on my mind that I'm quickly reaching the breaking point. I want to throw up my hands at the sky and scream at God, "Why - why, when it counts the most, won't you give me clear guidance? Why do you ALWAYS go silent when I need to hear you most urgently?" I feel so much pressure inside and I can't take it anymore.
Time to read the Psalms. And pray. And seek counsel.
But I'm done just not doing anything. I'm done sitting around and waiting for changes to come. I need to act, possibly take a risk, and soon, because I need to know if I'm missing out on what God has in store.
Time to read the Psalms. And pray. And seek counsel.
But I'm done just not doing anything. I'm done sitting around and waiting for changes to come. I need to act, possibly take a risk, and soon, because I need to know if I'm missing out on what God has in store.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Is it just me?
Two weeks of vacation and now I'm officially restless. I'm ready to go back to work. I was feeling totally refreshed and ready to hit the grindstone again on Wednesday, but on Friday as we drove home, the familiar weight, the sinking feeling of despair started coming back - not about work, but just about everything else right now.
I'm really starting to ask myself if I'm not just a colossal idiot. I spend so much time wondering when X or Y or Z is going to happen. Maybe it's time that I get off my duff and just make it happen. Maybe it's all right in front of me. Maybe I'm just blind.
I'm really starting to ask myself if I'm not just a colossal idiot. I spend so much time wondering when X or Y or Z is going to happen. Maybe it's time that I get off my duff and just make it happen. Maybe it's all right in front of me. Maybe I'm just blind.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Waste Not, Want Not
Today I called Comcast and told them to shut off cable TV. "What's the problem with the service? What's going on?" The woman on the other end sounded genuinely concerned.
"It sucks up too much time," I told her. "I just don't want it anymore."
There was this pause of silence on the other end of the line as she processed what must have been the unthinkable. And then she managed to persuade me to actually keep the cable activated but instead downgrade it to "limited" cable, which is apparently like 18 channels. Whatever. The cost of doing that versus keeping just internet was $2 less expensive (the cost for the internet itself almost doubles when it's not a bundle) so I just did it. I'm not planning on connecting the cable to the TV anyway, so yes, Comcast, I will gladly pay you less money for a service I won't use.
I packed up the cable box and remote control and took them into the Comcast store later in the day. I feel so liberated, not because cable TV was this huge drain on my time (it was) but more so because this was something I had identified in my life plan for the next year that was just a huge time-sucker, and it feels good to have taken a concrete step of action toward that plan. It gives me hope that I can actually achieve some of the things on my life plan this year. Now instead of watching TV on Saturday mornings or on weekday evenings I will read instead.
I know what you're thinking: shutting off his cable is a big achievement? Yes. It is. So is scheduling doctor and dentist appointments. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
"It sucks up too much time," I told her. "I just don't want it anymore."
There was this pause of silence on the other end of the line as she processed what must have been the unthinkable. And then she managed to persuade me to actually keep the cable activated but instead downgrade it to "limited" cable, which is apparently like 18 channels. Whatever. The cost of doing that versus keeping just internet was $2 less expensive (the cost for the internet itself almost doubles when it's not a bundle) so I just did it. I'm not planning on connecting the cable to the TV anyway, so yes, Comcast, I will gladly pay you less money for a service I won't use.
I packed up the cable box and remote control and took them into the Comcast store later in the day. I feel so liberated, not because cable TV was this huge drain on my time (it was) but more so because this was something I had identified in my life plan for the next year that was just a huge time-sucker, and it feels good to have taken a concrete step of action toward that plan. It gives me hope that I can actually achieve some of the things on my life plan this year. Now instead of watching TV on Saturday mornings or on weekday evenings I will read instead.
I know what you're thinking: shutting off his cable is a big achievement? Yes. It is. So is scheduling doctor and dentist appointments. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
1st Week of Vacay Already Half Over!
And there is still so much recharging to be done and rest to be had. The plan for now is to head either east or west this Friday for a short overnight jaunt, either to Eastern Washington or all the way to the coast, maybe somewhere along the Olympic Peninsula, which I have never actually circumnavigated.
The plan for the overnight jaunt is to shut off the Blackberry, take my Bible, a notebook, my journal, and a pen, and find a quiet place to sit outside and write, journal, and pray for about a day and a half. I had originally hoped on going up into the mountains, but since I don't really have the gear for that and don't really feel like spending the money on getting it right now, I will probably find a cheap cabin to rent somewhere and do that; unless, of course, the cost of renting a cabin for one night is equal to what it would cost to buy a tent and some basic camping gear - then I'm roughing it.
It has been really nice to not be getting up for work in the morning at the usual time, to sleep and wake up without an alarm, go to the gym, read a book (started Tim Keller's The Reason for God this week), and hang out with friends. I feel so much better, and apparently I must look it too because as I was leaving my apartment today the front desk girl told me I had my "relaxed Matt" face on. I wasn't aware there was a "wound-up Matt" face that I apparently wear for most of my days; something to pray about I guess.
In any case, I feel like this time needs to be used well in order to practice listening to God in quiet, doing some reflection and prayer over the next couple of years of life, and planning. Lots of life areas to hit up: work, community group, relationships, redemption, growth. Lots of heavy lifting but I am excited.
The plan for the overnight jaunt is to shut off the Blackberry, take my Bible, a notebook, my journal, and a pen, and find a quiet place to sit outside and write, journal, and pray for about a day and a half. I had originally hoped on going up into the mountains, but since I don't really have the gear for that and don't really feel like spending the money on getting it right now, I will probably find a cheap cabin to rent somewhere and do that; unless, of course, the cost of renting a cabin for one night is equal to what it would cost to buy a tent and some basic camping gear - then I'm roughing it.
It has been really nice to not be getting up for work in the morning at the usual time, to sleep and wake up without an alarm, go to the gym, read a book (started Tim Keller's The Reason for God this week), and hang out with friends. I feel so much better, and apparently I must look it too because as I was leaving my apartment today the front desk girl told me I had my "relaxed Matt" face on. I wasn't aware there was a "wound-up Matt" face that I apparently wear for most of my days; something to pray about I guess.
In any case, I feel like this time needs to be used well in order to practice listening to God in quiet, doing some reflection and prayer over the next couple of years of life, and planning. Lots of life areas to hit up: work, community group, relationships, redemption, growth. Lots of heavy lifting but I am excited.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
DISC
Just took a DISC Test:
Dominance: 28
Influence: 20
Steadiness: 8
Compliance: 44
The only thing that really surprises me is the Steadiness factor. I would have considered myself a more steady person than an 8. But hey, I guess the anal-retentiveness wins out over steadiness. Ha!
Dominance: 28
Influence: 20
Steadiness: 8
Compliance: 44
The only thing that really surprises me is the Steadiness factor. I would have considered myself a more steady person than an 8. But hey, I guess the anal-retentiveness wins out over steadiness. Ha!
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