TV will rot your brain, young man. Now turn that off.

Those of you who know me know that I don't watch a whole lot of TV. As a child growing up, television was one of those semi-illicit substances in our household that, for apparent grave health and safety reasons foreign to my six-year-old mind, had to be carefully rationed - much like second helpings of dinner, sugar, and grave-flavored Dimetap. The content of my siblings' and my programming was also, of course, carefully regulated - it was not until sometime in the ninth grade that I, increasingly exposed to the world outside the carefully constructed home nest, became curiously aware that watching an R-rated film would not, in fact, result in my immediate teleportation to Hell.

And so, having had so little exposure to the stuff growing up, it's not surprising that I was largely spared the addiction to all things televised that seemed to afflict so much of the general population.

But then I finished my thesis.

I'm certain that the conniving 60" widescreen HDTV owned by my roommate, proudly occupying a prominent spot in our living room, waited for this precise moment to close in for the kill (prompted, no doubt, by generations of past televisions that had failed to plant an addiction in my fragile little mind). I'm not even sure how the thing turned on in the first place, since the apartment was empty and no one was home (perhaps the television is self-aware?). In any case, (and curiously, considering my lack of TV addiction), I've always been one easily amused by flashing colors and bright, shiny things, and so, in a moment of curiosity as I passed through the living room Sunday afternoon, I sat down on the couch - just for a moment.

Four hours later I was still there - in fact, I was no longer alone, having brought my laptop in and carefully balanced it upon the left couch arm (lest I miss an instant message or email). I sagged in my seat, hindquarters not even technically resting on the couch anymore, the remote resting limply in my right hand.

Those of you who know me well know that I almost never watch television. And when I do, it's rarely for more than an hour. Yet for some reason, since Friday afternoon I have been perfectly content to remain stationary on the couch in front of the boob tube for over six hours at a time, getting up only to use the loo or to fetch sustenance.

This frightens me.

However, I can see why so many people do watch so much TV. There really is an incredible world of insanity out there, all brought conveniently to my living room via satellite and at the literal touch of a button. Among my virtual exploits in the past five days:


1. A seventeen-year-old Southern California girl dent her mother's Audi less than 24 hours after receiving her driver's license, then taken out the next day by her father to pick out her $32,000 BMW 325i (a "good first car"), squealing, "Daddy's going to let me put rims on it and tint the windows! Isn't it cute??!?


2. A man learning how to properly groom a dog, including - and I am not joking - literally squeezing poop out of its butt during the bathing process.






3. Several insanely wealthy Beverly Hills residents getting equally insane (and graphic) plastic surgery operations. Also, the rather touching reconstruction of one 18-year-old Mexican boy's horrific cleft palate and subsequent speech classes.


4. An hour-long special on the History channel musing whether Adolf Hitler might, just might, have escaped Berlin in 1945 and been living in Argentina to this day - then concluded in the last 5 minutes with the comparatively far less exciting reality that, nope, he really did just shoot himself. Also, the confirmation that the Soviet Union really did have Hitler's body all this time, and buried and exhumed it no less than eight times in the decades after the war. Sometime in the 1970s the body was dug up by a KGB agent, cremated (again, ironically), and then dumped into an East German river, where the ashes made their way to the ocean. Russia still has Hitler's teeth and fragments of his skull.

Yes, the past few days have certainly reminded me why I don't watch a lot of television. I suppose that I really should turn the thing off and get back to work - I know I must have some assignment due this week.

I'll do it right after this show.