Kill the Pride

I am very grateful for the friends God has placed in my life - friends who are not afraid to call me out on my sin when I can't see it. Had a great talk with a buddy of mine the other night about things going on in life - community group, service at church, finding a wife - the whole kit n' kaboodle. A wonderful deutsches Bier at Feierabend and a close friend are one of the fastest ways I know to cut to the chase of what is really going on in life. Some of the best conversations I have had with friends about the real issues they're facing have happened in that setting.

I will be honest - "frustrated" is not quite a strong enough word for how I have felt lately. Trying to steer and lead a community group is something that I am learning as I go, and which I can only liken to learning how to drive a stickshift by going on San Francisco hilly surface streets during rush hour. I have made a lot of mistakes along the way, mostly in the area of things I should have done but did not do. I am learning what it means to take responsibility in that way. There are changes that need to be made, vision that needs to be cast.

Aside from that, this has been a season of life generally marked by exhaustion and a sense of being worn down. I've felt like I haven't gotten fed enough, like I have nothing left to give - I've felt a sense of apathy and lack of desire to reach out at all. But I am learning that I don't manage my time well enough, don't take care of myself enough (sleep and diet), and consequently have become tired, irritable, and flat-out not that great to be around. Exhaustion tends to bring out our true nature in the worst way. And I can hardly complain that I am not getting fed if I do not use the time I have well. This is something that has to change immediately.

My problem is pride. I am all about Matt. Matt's success in all areas: work, Mars Hill, community group, relationships...It's all become about making Matt look good. Not only that, but the idea that Matt deserves X, Y, and Z: Matt deserves a successful community group that explodes in numbers. Matt deserves a pay raise and a promotion. Matt deserves a wife.

That's not OK, because in reality I deserve nothing. I had to confess that this morning. I have to let go. That pride has to be killed.

It continually amazes me how faithful God is to respond when we capitulate and give in. Even in the space of today I can feel the closeness returning. I don't understand that kind of loyalty and faithfulness.

It's time to get up off the ground and start running again.