You know what Jesus? You're pretty friggin' awesome.

Evidence of God's grace: knowing you're being used by Him less than an hour after asking Him to use you where you're at.

That's the God I serve.

Trial

It's timely and providential that we hit this series at Mars Hill, Trial, at this current period in my life. I am in a trial. I wasn't when we started the series a couple of months ago, but I sure am now.

Life is just weighty right now. I can't explain everything making it up because it's just too big to really capture it all, but I've felt this enormous weight just hanging over my heart during the past month. Every day seems excruciating and every night is lonely. I have so much time to myself these days that I am left alone with my thoughts and the issues on my heart, most of which are difficult to examine. I think God has deliberately removed a lot of old comforts from my life, things I used to spend time on in order to distract myself from how miserable I would be if I were alone.

But lately there's nowhere to hide and I'm understanding what a pastor told me a few months ago - that processing all of this, working through all these issues, would be the most difficult thing I'd ever done. That it would hurt beyond anything I'd been through. I think I'm there. And he was right - it's like having a slow burning fire inside you that you can't snuff out because you can't reach it; it just slowly scorches you from the inside out.

And all I want is comfort and relief; but Jesus apparently has other plans in mind. He's here in the suffering, yes; I see His face through the pain and He's here in the storm. But he has something larger in mind than just my comfort. He's after my sanctification through this. Transformation.

Jesus, help me suffer well. My will is for comfort and release; but not my will - Your will be done in this storm. Command the waves, let them wash over the edges of my boat if need be; let the wind howl; let the rain fall. Let me only be safe in Your arms and in the promise of Your regeneration of this sickly heart. If it isn't for me to know what Your purposes here are - let me only make much of You while the storm rages.

Sabbath

I desperately need some time to sabbath and recharge this weekend. I'm running on an empty tank in just about every area - personally, spiritually, relationally, and work-wise. I'm just totally spent. It's been like this for a while and I can't seem to get back to normal.

Don't Look Back

"The turning of the Israelites hearts toward Egypt at Mount Sinai was merely the culmination of many longing looks over their shoulders that began almost the day they left Egypt."
-Redemption

We look at the Israelites' impatience for Moses to come down from Mount Sinai and their subsequent fashioning of their own idol as hilariously idiotic. How could they be so stupid as to melt down all their gold and make a cow out of it, then fall down in worship before it? Surely we are not so foolish.

But oh, we are. And I am.

Every impure thought that I relish and then allow to linger before finally brushing off; every moment spent thinking about how badly I want the deep, sinful longings of my heart to be fulfilled; every "second look" I allow myself - these are the glances I throw over my shoulder at my Egypt. They are not innocent. They are not okay. And they are not secrets to Him.

They are the chains that hold me here. And I am a fool to think that life would be better if I went back to Egypt. I am so pathetically content making mudpies in my slum that I cannot fathom the idea of making sandcastles on the ocean shore. Mudpies are safe - sandcastles are large, imposing, and risky.

Leaving Egypt is risky. Leaving Egypt is difficult. And leaving Egypt scares the living hell out of me.

But will I surrender these chains in repentance? Will I trust Jesus to part the seas that stand before me as the Enemy bears down in the distance? Will I then descend to the dark ocean floor and trust that He will keep the mighty waters at bay? And once on the other side, safe from my pursuer, will I trust Him to provide just enough, each day, to make it through? Or will I continue to throw glances over my shoulder at the very bondage that my gracious Redeemer is trying to save me from?

He has promised redemption, renewal, and recreation. So why am I still so preoccupied with slavery, stagnation, and death? In the stillness every night I can hear Him calling.

Run. Throw off your chains, trust me, keep your eyes on me, and run. Don't look back.

Just run.

Barter for Grace

Oh Jesus - how can you possibly forgive me for what I've done? Even after years of knowing you, years of chasing after you and years of stumbles along the way - how can I still not grasp the concept of grace? Somehow I always come crawling back to you with my dirty rags, holding up worthless treasures, trying to barter for your grace in futility. Futile because I don't have to barter.

How can you give this grace to me for nothing? Don't you understand what I've done?

Yet you do understand.

And that's why I don't understand your grace.

Start a War

Are you in a war with sin or a war against God? Think carefully.

My own conviction recently is that I have gone to war against God rather than going to war against my sin. I've allowed my heart to be taken captive by sinful desires rather than fighting for the deeper, more fulfilling desires that He has planted there. Not only have I allowed it to be taken captive - sometimes I've thrown it straight into sin without a thought.

The ensuing numbness is the worst part. I don't think that it's a coincidence that numbness is a side effect of death and death is the wages of sin.

My selfishness is truly astounding. Truly.

I fail to realize most days that I am born into a war. The world is at war, and our hearts are both the battlefield and the prize. Sometimes we ignore the war. Sometimes we call a cease fire for the sake of creating a false peace. And sometimes we need to start a war and break the cease fire. Rock our own boat.

It's time to start a war.

There Will Be a Day

"9After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, 10and crying out with a loud voice, "Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!" 11And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures, and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, 12 saying, "Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever! Amen."
13Then one of the elders addressed me, saying, "Who are these, clothed in white robes, and from where have they come?" 14I said to him, "Sir, you know." And he said to me, "These are the ones coming out of the great tribulation. They have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.
15"Therefore they are before the throne of God,
and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne will shelter them with his presence.
16 They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore;
the sun shall not strike them,
nor any scorching heat.
17For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,
and he will guide them to springs of living water,
and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.""
-Revelation 7:9-17

That imagery has been so powerful for me over the past couple of days as I've thought about it. God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

There will be a day when God wipes this all away. There will be a day when I finally, finally get to kneel before my Jesus, draped in the white robes that He clothed me in, and kiss His feet with tears streaming down my face. There will be a day with no shame, no guilt, and no filth. I long for the day when He will reach down and wipe the tears from my eyes and say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I long to know and understand who and what He sees when He looks at me. I want to see Him in all His unveiled glory, on His throne, reigning as the king that He is.

And even today my heart is broken with gratitude for this grace. What could He possibly have seen in this dirty, depraved man? What could I possibly have to offer this King of Kings? How could He possibly be so good? How could He trade my rags for his royal robes?

Jesus, how could You possibly love me that much?


There will be a day
with no more tears
no more pain
and no more fears

There will be a day
when the burdens of this place
will be no more
we'll see Jesus face to face.

There will be a day
He will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
-Jeremy Camp

God Delights in Forgiving Us

Thinking today about the fact that God actually delights in forgiving us. Have you ever thought about that? I've always had this image of God begrudgingly forgiving me, impatiently wondering when I'll finally figure it out and stop screwing up so much.

But no - he actually delights in forgiving us and extending His mercy and grace to us. That's how incredibly good He is. It pleases Him to forgive us, wash us, and recreate us.

I'm kind of bowled over by that thought today.

Reverse-Engineer Your Life

I've realized that lately I have lost sight of what is really important in my life. I haven't placed enough emphasis on the Gospel, on Gospel community, and on planning ahead, on taking real chances. Looking at a pareto of the things I spend my time on would be pretty embarrassing.

Work in particular has consumed too much. Work and wealth have too long been my idols. I sacrifice everything for their sake. Work forms the paradigm for the answer to every "How are you doing?" and hangs over every part of every day, even when I'm not there. And because it has become everything, it can't be anything to me when I'm actually there - I'm too drained from thinking about it all the time, from feeding it all the time, from trying to do it all. There is a fine line between working well, building your career with purpose, and simply working way too much on all the wrong things. I'm on the wrong side of that line.

The result is that I have found myself in this bizarre vacuum of just making it through each successive day. No real goal in sight, no 5-year plan; no 1-year plan, for that matter. Maybe that's why it's been so hard to get out of bed lately. Without real purpose we eventually wither. I have felt like I'm withering. Rather than wait around for opportunities at work to come to me, it's time to get out and chase them. Abandon fear of looking like an idiot.

I haven't allowed Christ to cause me to really risk too much because I'm too comfortable. Change is good - as long as it's the change I wanted and planned for. Otherwise it's just too scary. I like feeling like I'm in control, and that needs to change.

It's time to really go out on a limb and chase the things that I've always thought were unattainable because they weren't "safe"- personally, professionally, relationally, and spiritually. I need to reverse-engineer my life and live it with greater purpose. Intentionality.

Pastor Tim's sermon at Mars Hill Downtown today was incredibly convicting. It's true: no one dying alone in a nursing home wishes that they had spent more time at the office, amassed greater wealth, or collected more material possessions. I don't want that to be me.

Here goes. Jesus, establish my steps.

Stop Painting.

Let me ask you something about your suffering:

Do you think that your obedience to God obligates Him to fix you? To make your suffering stop? To grant you the fulfillment of your wildest daydreams?

Is your motivation for following Jesus based on your concept of redemption instead of His? Are you dreaming up your own picture of what the world is going to look like when you meet up with that light at the end of the tunnel?

Are you in love with healing . . . or holiness?

Really ask yourself that. What do you really want? Do you want to be more like Jesus - or do you just want the picture you've painted, and you think that if you just obey Him long enough, hold out long enough, try hard enough - He'll give it to you?

Are you prepared to accept the possibility that what He's going to give you at the end of all this suffering won't look a thing like what you've been expecting?

Jesus isn't interested in granting your wishes. He's interested in His glory and giving you what He knows you really need - Himself. And there will be a whole lot more that comes with that, more than you could ever want or imagine. Psalm 37:4 promises us that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts - the very desires of our innermost being, the unfulfilled longings that keep us awake at night and weigh us down all day. He'll give them to you in rich fullness.

But first you have to let go of your painting and put down your brush.