Trial

It's timely and providential that we hit this series at Mars Hill, Trial, at this current period in my life. I am in a trial. I wasn't when we started the series a couple of months ago, but I sure am now.

Life is just weighty right now. I can't explain everything making it up because it's just too big to really capture it all, but I've felt this enormous weight just hanging over my heart during the past month. Every day seems excruciating and every night is lonely. I have so much time to myself these days that I am left alone with my thoughts and the issues on my heart, most of which are difficult to examine. I think God has deliberately removed a lot of old comforts from my life, things I used to spend time on in order to distract myself from how miserable I would be if I were alone.

But lately there's nowhere to hide and I'm understanding what a pastor told me a few months ago - that processing all of this, working through all these issues, would be the most difficult thing I'd ever done. That it would hurt beyond anything I'd been through. I think I'm there. And he was right - it's like having a slow burning fire inside you that you can't snuff out because you can't reach it; it just slowly scorches you from the inside out.

And all I want is comfort and relief; but Jesus apparently has other plans in mind. He's here in the suffering, yes; I see His face through the pain and He's here in the storm. But he has something larger in mind than just my comfort. He's after my sanctification through this. Transformation.

Jesus, help me suffer well. My will is for comfort and release; but not my will - Your will be done in this storm. Command the waves, let them wash over the edges of my boat if need be; let the wind howl; let the rain fall. Let me only be safe in Your arms and in the promise of Your regeneration of this sickly heart. If it isn't for me to know what Your purposes here are - let me only make much of You while the storm rages.