I Really Should Be In Bed, But Whatever...

And I really shouldn't be doing any more of these ridiculous 3am posts, but I sat down to write in my journal tonight and this is what came out:

Tonight I have been thinking a lot about what it’s going to be like to leave this place at the end of the year. Maybe it’s the mournful soundtrack to Jenseits der Stille that I’m listening to or maybe it’s something else. All I know is that right now I can’t shake the thought of how hard I think it’s going to be to board the train that will take me away from this place.

Imagine that. I’ll be standing there on the platform with all my luggage, watching the train pull up and knowing that once I get on that train the beginning of the end will start. I’ll get on, the train will pull out of the station, with me strained against the window trying to catch every last glimpse of Tübingen possible…and then suddenly I’ll see nothing but countryside. The train will chug along…and reach Stuttgart. I’ll then take the S-bahn to the airport, board my flight, and sit there…

Looking out the window at the tarmac, I’ll think about everything I’ve done this year. I’ll think about all the people I’ve met and now have to leave behind – again. The plane will lift off, and my heart will sink as it becomes airborne…up, up, up…higher….and gleichzeitig I'll be going lower, lower, lower…

Germany will fade below me. It’s over. When I touch down in Seattle, Germany will once again assume that sort of hazy existence that it always has in the States – as if it’s just sort of “stopped” and is on hold while I’m gone, as if it doesn’t really exist and never really did. It was all just a dream, Matthew. You were never there.

Right now the United States is on hold. It’s this far-off place that has no relation to me at all and holds no bearing on my life at this moment. It does not matter. In 9 months Germany will become the same.

I don’t know if I can handle that.

For the past few months I’ve been hoping that this year will go by quickly so that I can get back to my life at home. But lately what I’ve been noticing is that I don’t really feel that way anymore. This is home now. It really is. I left what used to be home behind, and I’ve traded one life for another, even though I haven’t become what I could call a “temporary European.” I’ve switched continents. My life has shifted to the point that I cannot imagine not living here. I feel like I’ve lived here all my life, as stupid and weird as that sounds. How can I leave this place? This is home. Home. "Home is where they understand you."

What really scares me is that I feel this way barely 3.5 monts into my stay. I didn't expect this so soon. If this feeling of dread is this bad now, what's it going to be like in 9 months?

I recently had a dream. In the dream, I secretly flew back to ASU with the intention of showing up on campus and surprising all my friends. After many hours of travel, I finally stood on Apache Boulevard, near the parking lot, looking across the street at the BHC campus. I thought, "Okay Matt....all you have to do is walk in there and surprise everyone. That's it. Just walk in." But I couldn't bring myself to move. And then I realized something. I realized that the moment I walked in there I would run into someone I knew. I would run into all my good friends, all my memories, and Germany would evaporate. Gone, just like that.

And so I turned and walked away. I left. I walked away from the BHC campus, away from ASU, and I didn't go back. Then I woke up. I laid there in bed staring out the window at the first groggy hints of dawn struggling to break through the early morning darkness and fought the rising nausea that was twisting my stomach into a tight knot.

I just can’t imagine having to pack up and leave here, even though I know that that day is SO far in the future and I really should be enjoying the present. And I am. I really am loving it here. But I feel like I’m going to stay here forever. Is this part of what God is trying to show me this year? Is He trying to prepare my heart for an eventual permanent transatlantic emigration? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Going back to the States is going to be bittersweet. I know that I’m going to be so glad to see my family and my friends and have my “real life” back. But at the same time I know that I’m going to be incredibly homesick for Germany. I know that I’m going to want to come back here. I can feel it already in the form of this sort of panic that creeps into my thoughts every time I think about going back to the U.S. "Leave? No! I can't leave! I can't! I know you all miss me -- but how can you ask me to give this up?? This is my life!"

What does that mean? What am I supposed to do with that? What do you do when you feel like home is split not only between two U.S. states, but between two entire continents? They can’t be reconcilable. You can’t be in two places at once.

I keep saying stuff like this over and over and I'm sure it's getting annoying and starting to sound like some sort of melodramatic emo rant, but this online journal is meant to serve as a time capsule of sorts as well as a public record, and this is how I feel right now at this moment in time. If it's any consolation to you readers out there, I promise I will never start weeping because life is "so moving."

Like I said, there will be plenty of time for me to sort this all out in about 9 months. But for some reason I felt it needed to be addressed at least partially tonight. I'll cross this bridge when I come to it, but right now I just want to pull out the binoculars and look at it.

And with that planted firmly on paper (screen) I am going to bed to let my subconscious mull it over.

New Camera

Oddly enough, I now have the camera I started out with this summer but took back because I was afraid I would break it.  I never liked my A520's bulkiness, so now that it's kaputtness has offered me the oh-so-convenient opportunity, I've gone compact again.  I think I'm going to like this better.  Here in Europe it's sold under a different name, which I find sort of weird...I see no reason why they can't call it the SD300 or the Ixus 40 the world over.  Personally I like its name in Europe better.  "Ixus 40" just looks cooler.  Doesn't it cost Canon millions to maintain this dual-name thing?  Seems stupid to me, but maybe that's just the business major in me talking.

Spent a couple hours studying at Brechtbau with Almir today.  It was a good sense of accomplishment to get an assignment done a full 2 days before it's due.  Now I just need to spend a little time practicing guitar and of course some more reading for my EU lecture class.  This week is a fairly easy week as far as academics goes because my Medieval German lecture and seminar were both canceled due to the prof's illness.  This is the second time this has happened, and the weird thing is that we knew LAST week already that he was going to be sick -- the sub announced it.  I'm wondering if my prof is undergoing some sort of medical treatment?  Otherwise how could he know a week in advance that he was going to be sick?  Or be sick for 2 weeks straight?  It's just weird.

Saturday is Nürnberg, which I am really excited about -- I am going to be meeting up with my former host family at the market.  We decided to make it a day trip to save money and complication, and it promises to be a really good day.  I've wanted to go back to Nürnberg for so long and it will be awesome to see it again.

With that, I think I'm done.

Holy Cow...That Was So Cool

This morning Addy and I got up early to go down to the Buergeramt and get her residence permit squared away so that she doesn't get deported.  We left around 9:30sih and headed down, enjoying the fresh snow that had fallen the night before and covered everything in 2cm of white powder.

Upon finally completing our task, which took less than 10 minutes, we emerged back into Schmiedtorstraße..........and the snow was falling again.  Huge flakes that were coming down hard.  It was beautiful.  We decided to walk through the Altstadt and catch the bus at Lustnauer Tor instead of Stadtgraben again.  As we walked along those cobbled streets, lined with colorful, snow-covered houses that sagged happily under the weight of many years, we finally emerged unto the Marktplatz.

The morning market was up.

The Rathaus stood watch over a busy marketplace filled with beeswax candles, wreaths, decorations, fresh fruits & vegetables, bread & pastries, and Christmas trees ready to be taken home and decorated.  Everywhere sellers haggled with buyers and some buyers, victorious in their bargaining, were now marching home proudly carrying their wreaths, already covered in snowflakes that stuck to their hair, eyelashes, and noses.  A vendor selling Glühwein was filling the market with the sweet and sour aroma of hot red wine with cinnamon spices.

The snowflakes clinging to the edge of my scarf were chilling my chin and my coat was quickly changing from brown to white as the flakes piled up, but I didn't care.  I just smiled.

I think I am going to like Christmas in Germany.

SO AWESOME!

Okay, so besides the fact that Thankgiving was AWESOME (we all went over to Katy's WG and had a FANTASTIC dinner composed of every dish you can think of, complete with bottomless bottles of wine), it's been a GREAT day and I have to post.

Alright.  So in summer of 2002 when I was in Nuernberg with the AATG I stayed with a host family there, and I've not had contact with them since that time...my emails always bounced back and somehow I had the impression that they weren't really that pleased with me (I don't know why I felt that way, I just did).

So now that I'm back in Germany I decided to write them a letter and try to re-establish contact.  I sent the letter yesterday afternoon, and today at 12:30 I got an email from my host mom in Nuernberg, who was so glad to hear from me, updated me on what the family's doing right now, and invited me (and even a couple friends) to stay with them sometime soon before Christmas!

*euphoria*

First off, I take back every complaint I ever had about the Deutsche Post.  I am totally willing to pay 55 euro cents for a letter for next-day delivery!  Second, I am so happy to be in contact with my host family and to be now in the process of planning to visit them again!  Oooooooooh so cool!!!!  I can't wait!  Man...I have missed them and Nuernberg a lot!  I always wished after the exchange that I could go back, partly because I wanted to and partly because I wanted to make sure that things were ok and that they didn't hate me (how ridiculous it was to think that) and I am so glad that I get to go back now!!!  So excited!!!  Man what an awesome day.

Plan for tomorrow: french toast in the kitchen with the gang for breakfast, then off to Reutlingen/Metzingen to get a peacoat (I desperately need a warm winter coat -- it's FREEZING here, and by "freezing" I mean below 30 degrees), new shoes, which I also need, and a new camera.  I am not looking forward to the hit my bank account is about to take but it's going to be fun!!

Alright......

I Love Books

Today after class and after having lunch and signing up for a ski trip in January with Almir and Addy, I went to the bookstore to get some books for my classes that I don't have yet.  I wanted to buy some books for my European Union class as well as some helpful tools for my Medieval German seminar.  I realized I didn't have the papers for Medieval German and that I should probably read through the book the professor recommended for the EU class to get a a general idea of the topic before I go buying a bunch of others.  So I just ended up wandering around the store a little bit looking for some good additions to my ever-growing library.

I found this -- Die Geschichte Europas.  The title is a play on words, meaning both "The History of Europe" and "The Story of Europe."  It's novel-sized, and is written like a novel as well, covering the main points of Euroean history starting with the Greeks and their literature (as well as the Bible), moving through the middle ages, and finally up to the 21st century.  It was 10 euros and I thought it would be a good read because I know next to nothing about general European history and would love to have an overview.

I love buying new books.  Books are the one thing I can spend money on without any sort of buyer's remorse, because I firmly believe that books and reading are always a good investment, no matter what the material is (although you get bonus points for everything you read that is non-fiction or historically oriented).  Bookstores are like candy stores for me.  I love walking into a bookstore, finding a good book that really grabs my interest, and then going to a cafe and sitting down with a cup of coffee for a couple of hours.  There's no cafe here in my dorm room, but I do have a new view out the window and an instant cappucino sitting next to me.

Bookstores here in Germany are especially fun because I have the chance to buy all sorts of books I could never get in the States.  I want to raid their sections on World War II, the Third Reich, divided Germany, European history, American history, fiction.....oh man.  My heart beats faster just thinking about it.  I want to have a nice, respectable, and above all sizeable library built by the end of this year, even if I have to pay a small ransom to ship the books back at the end of the year.

Camera update: went into a camera repair shop to ask about it, they said that I would definitely have to send it in to get it fixed and that they'd guess it would be at least 150 euro.  Sigh.

Wow.

I've been hearing voices telling me
That I can never be what I wanna be
They're binding me with lies
Haunting me at night
And say there's nothing to believe
But somewhere in the quietness
When I'm overcome with lonliness
I hear You call my name
And like a father You are near
And as I listen I can hear You say

"You are a child of Mine
Born of My own design
And you bear the heart of life
No matter where you go
You will always know
You've been made free in Christ
You are a child of Mine."

So I listen as You tell me who I am
And who it is I'm gonna be
And I hang on every word
Knowing I have heard
I am Yours and I am free
When I have a lonely night
That is when I hear the lie
"You'll never be enough"
Though I'm giving into fear
If I listen I can hear You say

"You are a child of Mine
Born of My own design
And you bear the heart of life
No matter where you go
You will always know
You've been made free in Christ
You are a child of Mine."

-Mark Schultz

I absolutely love this song.  It's so incredibly uplifting.  Do you ever think about this?  Do you ever think about the fact that God Himself looks down at you and says, "You are a child of Mine?"  It just blows me away.  I know I say that about stuff like this all the time but it really does.  It leaves me absolutely speechless.  What do you say when the God of Heaven and Earth looks down at you and says, "You are a child of Mine?"

Me?  You want......me?  This wretched, hollow shell?  This selfish, fallen man?  You want this?  Are you sure about this, God?  Look at me!  I'm not worthy to so much as breathe in Your direction, and now you're telling me that You'll make the heavens themselves my inheritance?  That you have crowned me?  What is this??

It's hard to understand, but it's because God does not see us as we see ourselves.  I look in the mirror and frankly I hate what I see.  I see failure, I see a traitor, I see someone who isn't what he should be, I see a man (boy) who just can't get it together and who fights the nagging suspicion that he's just not going to amount to who he should be for God.  I'm sorry, God.  I'm not your man.  I can't do this. 

But God looks at us and sees something completely different.  He sees a warrior or a princess.  He sees a man or a woman who is exactly who He created them to be.  A beautiful, awe-inspiring, living testament to His glory.  And He's not about to let us back down.  No, He says, you ARE my man, and I'm going to prove it to you.  If you let me, I will transform you.  I will make you everything you were made to be and more.  I will take this shattered shell of a human and make it new. 

People thought Jesus was crazy when he picked twelve of Israel's biggest idiots to be his disciples and called them his best friends.  How on earth did this guy think he was going to accomplish anything with those twelve average joes?

And then Jesus took those twelve men, those twelve sub-par, won't-amount-to-much men and changed the world.  Those mediocre men built a church, changed a city, changed a nation, conquered the world's mightiest empire, and changed the course of history.  God called each of them out, said, "You -- you're my man." (literally).  Then he transformed them into completely unrecognizable men of God.  And He wants to do the same for all of us, if only we will allow Him, if only we will heed the call.

But Lord.....I'm so mired in sin!  I'm such a failure!  I've betrayed You!  How can You forgive me yet again?  I've broken so many promises already -- how can You take me seriously?  God knows what's on our minds and on our hearts.  That's been on my heart lately, been in my prayers in the form of a thought that haunts me all day long: How on earth can You trust me anymore?

And then the answer came:  Promise Me again.  But this time, don't promise Me to do your best from now on -- have the courage to promise Me that these things will never, ever again have any place in your life.  Forsake it.  Throw it away for good.  Stop.  Turn.  Run to Me.  Don't let the fear of letting Me down keep you from making this all-or-nothing promise.  When it gets difficult to keep that promise (and it will), promise Me that you will turn to Me and not yourself for the strength to keep it.  Promise Me. 

And so I did.  And you know something?  There is a paradoxical freedom in making a binding contract like that.  It's the freedom that comes from knowing that you are forgiven and that you will never be the same, from knowing that you need not worry about how you're going to keep your promise -- God will give you the strength as you go, because you can't do it on your own and you've admitted that.  It's the freedom that comes from knowing that it truly is in God's hands.

^{You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
-Romans 6:18}

I don't know why I get so personal on here, but for some reason when it comes to things in the area of my relationship with Christ I have no problem about ejecting my thoughts out into cyberspace.  Why?  Because I'm not ashamed of getting personal in that area.  God is doing incredible things in my heart and life right now and I want to share them with anyone who wants to listen.  So I hope that you've gotten something out of this little (long) post.  Don't forget what God sees when He looks at you.

It's Snowing - And It's Sticking

Hopefully it keeps up.  As I right this it's looking like the flakes are getting smaller.  Too bad I'm off to get eaten alive by my medieval German test.  I hate this class.

This Is Life, And It's Good

Yesterday a group of us went to Stuttgart for almost the entire day to see the new Harry Potter movie.  We took the noon train in, bummed around for a bit and got a late lunch, then caught the 4pm showing.  The movie was great.  I won't say anything other than that.    Then a bunch of us decided to stick around for a showing of Elizabethtown, which was not nearly as great but instead just okay.  In between movies we had a good 2 hours to kill, so we all went to Starbucks for coffee.  On the way there Bill and I attempted to explain to the girls why Hermoine is drop-dead gorgeous.  They just don't get it.  Addy was really confused because she didn't understand how Hermoine, a girl who doesn't look like the ones in the magazines, is what guys want.  So let me announce on behalf of maledom for the benefit of femaledom:

Ahem.  The girls on the magazine coveres do NOT, I repeat, do NOT, embody the ideal that every guy wants in a woman.  We MUCH prefer natural, untampered beauty such as Hermoine's to airbrushed and very obviously exaggerated beauty.  So just endeavor to look like Hermoine and you'll all be home free.

And yes, I'm aware the Hermoine is only 15 years old at this point.  But I ask you: consider, if she's this beautiful at 15, what she'll look like when she's finally legal! 

We also decided, since it was freezing cold, to get some Glühwein in between movies in order to warm up.  I had never had it before, and it's a weird taste at first.  When you first take a sip and it first hits your tongue you'd swear it's apple cider, and then suddenly the wine's sour aftertaste floods your palate and reminds you that you're actually drinking hot wine with a bunch of spices and not apple juice.  It was good stuff and really warmed us up.

It was just overall a really great night.  There was a moment on the subway when I was just sitting there watching the stations go by....Schlossplatz, Fauststrasse, Rathaus....and one thought wouldn't leave me alone:

"How am I going to be able to leave this place at the end of the year?  I can't leave.  This is my home."

Like I've said before, life here is a roller coaster.  I'm on a crest right now.  It's a weird feeling up here at the top of the world....this really has become home, even after only 3 months, and what's hard to think about is how difficult it's going to be to leave this place behind.  That's the last thing I want to think about right now.

Another thing on my mind right now is the fact that Christmas is racing up so fast it's making my head spin.  I'm also thinking a lot about how this is my first Christmas away from home.  Ever.  It's going to be hard.  Christmas in Seattle is absolutely gorgeous....I love it.  I bought some Christmas lights for my room and they're up around my window right now, lighting up the room in multicolored festivity.

I've been seeing a lot in the online news lately that Kansas recently decided to pass a proposal to allow teaching Intelligent Design in their schools, which of course is prompting an uproar from the left, who claim, as always, that the crazy right-wing zealouts are taking over the world.  My favorite argument against teaching Intelligent Design is that it's "not science." 

What intelligent design does is look at the complexity of the world and say, "if this wasn't created by a designer, then I don't know how it got here."  That's a perfectly acceptable scientific conclusion.  Conclusions like that -- the "I just don't know" conclusion -- are made all the time in all areas of science.  The difference with intelligent design is that it offers an explanation outside the world of science.  It turns to a creator instead of cold logic.  If you call that infusion of relgion with science, then fine.  Call it what you want.

The real problem that science has with intelligent design theory isn't that it's "not science."  It's that it's not the answer that science wants to hear.

¹⁹For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."  ²⁰Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?
1 Corinthians 1:19-20

Reflections and Discoveries

Once again I sit down at my computer and attempt to put into words the odd mixture of feelings that constitutes being here.  I don’t know what to make of it.  I have the weirdest mood swings from day to day, even hour to hour.  Earlier today I was perfectly content being here and then suddenly it’s just not what I want it to be.  It’s the strangest thing.  The moment that I think about home I get pulled into a sort of funk and a wave of homesickness that is almost unwiderstehlich.  I don’t know how long this is going to last, but I am not enjoying this roller coaster.  I’m about to toss my cookies.

I think the one thing that I would change, if I could pick only one thing about my situation here to change, would be the ratio of Germans to foreigners and Americans in my friends list.  I think that if I was fully immersed, hanging out only with Germans all the time, speaking German all the time, I would be much happier.  Right now I’m sort of in this limbo of trying to grasp a new culture, new people, new habits, a new language – and yet I can’t quite separate myself from where I come from and who I am because at the end of the day those things follow me through the Americans that I’ve met here and become very good friends with.  It’s like we were discussing in class the other day – you can’t change your nationality, can’t change who you are.  I wanted so badly to become a “temporary German” when I came here and yet I’m finding out that whether I want to or not that isn’t really possible in this town.  To do that I’d have to move out onto the countryside and live in a small village where there aren’t Americans and other foreign students at every turn.

I don’t mean to say that I don’t like my American friends here in Tübingen.  Quite the opposite, they’re amazing.  But I’m not doing myself any favors by hanging out with them the majority of the time.

I think this is why I was so happy up at Matze’s house with his family the first two weeks of my stay here in Germany.  I was totally isolated from everything back home and spoke German 100% of the time -- and it was fantastic.  I don’t remember really being homesick – or at least not as homesick as I am now.  I remember a feeling of confusion, of not really knowing where I belonged, whether home was here in Germany or back in the States – and I think that’s an indication of just how immersed I really was.  I don’t feel that way here.  Here in Tuebingen, the fact that this isn’t home smacks me in the face every time I walk down the street.

It was easier in Neustadt because I was able to let go of everyone and everything back home – I had a new, temporary family and a new, temporary village, a “new life.”  That sounds stupid because I was only there two weeks, but it’s true in a sense.  When you’re not even speaking your native language all day, it gets hard to think of home too much.  Matze’s friends were so eager to meet me, so eager to find out about life in the States, so friendly and so accepting.  And that felt good.  Matze’s family was also just amazing.  Simply wonderful.  I miss them all so much and I’m so excited to go back up for Christmas.  Here, the Germans are so used to seeing foreigners run around that they don’t really seem to care who you are and don’t want to hear anything about it.  

So that’s what I’ve figured out the past few days.  In order for me to really be 100% happy here, I have to leave everything behind.  I can’t sit on this fence anymore.  It doesn’t work and it makes me crazy.  But I can’t really jump off the fence because this town is full of exchange students from all over the world and no matter what I do I keep running into them.  I can’t escape my nationality and the fact that I am a foreigner here, can't run from home.  Home follows me all the way across the Atlantic and won't let go.  And that realization is the core of my frustration and the core of this maddening conflict inside me. 

And with that, I think it’s time to wrap up.  As a side note, I am going to attempt to blog at the most every other day (or when something of import happens) from now on, for two reasons: one, I think I need to stop spending so much time thinking and more time doing, and two, I think I have an unhealthy addiction to Xanga that needs to be curbed.  But please check back and leave me lots of feedback to come back to every other day when I post.

Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

I am addicted to instant chocolate cappucino mix.  This is my 8th one in 5 hours.

WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Lots of homework tonight.  Lots and lots.  Late night.  That's ok.  Errands tomorrow.  Christmas shopping.  RitterSport factory (again) on Friday to buy chocolate by the kilo.

Harry Potter in Stuttgart on Saturday.  Swedish pancakes.  Cooking with the amazing people in my dorm who I absolutely love on Sunday.

Rock on.

Good News, Bad News

The Good News:  The iPod is FINALLY here.

The Bad News:  It's not in my hot little hands.  It's at the Zollamt.  I got a notice today.  It's also Saturday, which means that I have to wait till Monday to get it.  And Lord only knows how much I'm going to have to pay them.  It's seriously just my luck.  Whenever I'm expecting a package I'm really excited about, something always happens to delay it in some way, WITHOUT fail.  I think this is God's sick and twisted way of trying to teach me patience.

It sure ain't workin.

--edit--

More Bad News:  My camera is broken.  I turn it on and switch it to capture mode, the screen comes on, but it's all black as if I'm trying to take a picture in a dark room.  It's been doing this for a couple of weeks now, but I've always been able to fix it by switching the camera off and then on again.  Now it won't stop.  This isn't good.  I can't send it in to Canon for repair right now because Christmas is right around the corner and there's no way it would get back to me by the time I head up to Matze's.  I can't be without a camera when I go up there.  I am NOT excited about the prospect of shelling out even more money for a new camera right now.  Siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh....

Discrimination?

An excerpt from Almir's and my conversation over Chinese food tonight at Wok-In.....

Me:  Yeah, so my friend Tyler went to church this morning in China.  He said it was really weird but I was just surprised because I thought that, you know, Christianity is like outlawed in China.
Almir:  It is?
Me:  Well yeah, I think so...I mean you can't bring Bibles into the country as far as I know.
Almir: ............Isn't that called "discrimination?"
Me:  No, that's called "communism."

I love it here

Germany is awesome.

Sigh...

Sigh............

Is it bad that one of the only things I can think about right now is how much I'd like to fast-forward my life 8 months, to late July, so I can have the experience of going home?

It's hard to put into words, but it's just such a strange feeling being here.  I love it and I hate it at the same time.  I know that I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, and I'm having fun and all, but....it's not THAT amazing.  At this moment I have almost zero motivation to travel, almost zero motivation to see anything....If left to my own devices I might not do anything at all.  And all this time all I can think about is how badly I want the year to be over, not so much because I want to go home, but because I want to know what it's going to feel like to leave this place and finally go home.  I want to be able to appreciate home in a different light.  To feel like a stranger in my own hometown.  I want to know what it's going to feel like when the plane touches down in Seattle and I realize that it's over.  How amazing that's going to be!

And I hate the fact that I'm having those thoughts and feelings because I know that I should be out there enjoying this year and sucking every bit of the marrow out of it and just having the time of my life.....but I just can't seem to really do that right now and I don't know why.  I wanted to fall in love with Germany this year, but instead I've fallen in love with home.  There's nothing that will make you appreciate your life, your friends, your family, your university more than leaving all of them behind. 

I guess I'm just worried that I'm going to wake up someday soon and it will be July and the year will be over and I'll realize that I spent the whole 11 months wishing I was at home.  I'm afraid my German won't be any better, that I won't have made a lot of German friends that I'll get to stay in contact with over here, and that when all is said and done I'll feel like I wasted the year.  That I'll live with the haunting feeling that if I had only just bucked up, sucked it up, and gotten out there, I might have had the year of my life and now it's over and there isn't a second chance.

I've said it before, but it's just as true now as it was then:  this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Here Goes Nothing

We're starting a new week.  I have t-minus 2.5 hours till my medieval German seminar and I still haven't translated this poem (which was our homework).  I probably should do that.

Another week, another 7 days of the good life.

I need coffee.

Guitar is coming along WONDERFULLY.  I can now switch between the 4 chords without looking, although I have to go very slowly.  I have also learned that in order to play guitar you have to be the type of person who can tolerate playing and hearing the same thing over and over and over again. 

Fortunately, I am just such a person.
Unforunately, the people living next to, below, and above me are not. 

--edit--

I feel a need to keep writing.  So how exactly IS the good life going, you may ask?  Well, it's how the Germans describe something when it's "good" -- they say it's "okay."  And it is.  It's okay.  It's life.  I really don't know what else to say.  I mean.....it's just...the daily grind.  Sort of.  Life is so much slower here that it's hard to feel like it's "the daily grind."  I do less, but I think I the focus here has been more on quality than quantity.  For example, I've been learning guitar, which is something I never would have had time for at ASU.  Schoolwork has, thus far, occupied so little of my time that I'm getting worried.  But I'm beginning to see why everyone has no homework during the semester and then is M.I.A. for the two weeks leading up to exams and papers -- all the work comes at the end.

The majority of my friends are still Americans and other internationals, and I am still not quite comfortable with this, but I'm getting there.  I have loosened my priorities and my goals so much.  I had originally intended to go cold turkey 100% immersion, but I've realized that's literally impossible here.  I will be speaking at least some English every day whether I like it or not.  Furthermore, it's simply more likely that I'm going to be closer with the other exchange students, partly because we're all sharing the same experience and partly because the Germans are so ridiculously hard to befriend.  One of the DAAD people said that American friendships are like peaches.  They're soft on the outside and thus easy to penetrate, but the core is a hard seed that is difficult to bore into.  Germans, he said, are like coconuts.  The outer shell is hard and seemingly impenetrable, but once you get through that, it's soft and juicy.  Or milky.  Whatever.

At any rate, I would sure love to know how the heck you crack open the coconut, because I'm not having a lot of success so far.  I'm about ready to just ask a German, "Excuse me, but how the hell do you make friends here?"  It's sure not like in the States, where I can spontaneously call up someone and say, "Hey, you wanna get coffee/food/whatever?"  Germans seem to want to have planned appointments beforehand, and I have yet to see any German friends doing anything one-on-one.  Just some observations.

Anyway I had a long thing after that about the whole politics subect, but sorry guys, I deleted it.  I'm going to chew on that a little longer myself.

Well...

It's 12:02 pm local time, I woke up at 9:30 and haven't moved from my computer yet.  You all know what this means:  long rambling introspective post.  It's been a while, so why not?

The tree outside my window is looking very sad without most of its leaves.  It reminds me of those mangy stray dogs you sometimes see on the street, knowing that they would look so much healthier if somone would just give them a bath.

Life is going really well right now.  I am having a good time in Germany.  Classes are okay, I really should get some homework done today.  I feel like I'm behind.  I also really need to get a planner so that I can start writing things down.  Either that or my iPod needs to hurry up and get through customs so I can sync it with Outlook.  Speaking of the iPod, I am a little worried, because I realized that the package is unopened.  Customs is going to notice that and I'm worried that they're going to hold the package somewhere and summon me to pay some sort of tax on importing it.  Which really sort of ticks me off.  Why should I pay taxes to support the EU when I'm not even an EU citizen?  I should have had Erica open up the package and then re-tape it again.  Oh well.  It should be here soon I think.

Speaking of taxes, I learned something new the other day.  Most items you buy in Germany are untaxed, but do you know where a lot of the revenue goes for the items that ARE taxed?  To the EU.  That's where the EU gets its budget.  I had no idea but I find that fascinating.  And creepy.

Right now I should be in the shower and getting dressed so that I can go to the grocery store and stock up on food.  Sunday is tomorrow and the stores will be closed.  Speaking of Sundays, today I am meeting up with Heinz to discuss the whole church thing.  Sigh.  I don't know what I'm going to tell him.  I really hope he doesn't pressure me to stay.  I hate being sold anything, least of all a church.  The more that I think about it the more I think that TOS is not a good place for me to be this year.  The thing that worries me though is that at this moment I'm totally unmotivated to search for a new church.  I don't like that feeling.

Amazon.de is amazingly fast.  I ordered a book off there late Thursday night and it arrived this morning, straight to my door.  Why can't it be that fast in the States?  Ridiculous.  I want candy.  I bought a bunch of snickers, Ritter Sport, and Milka on Halloween night but I've eaten it all already.

I feel that being in Europe has made me much more objective in the way that I look at politics.  I could write a lot more on that theme, but I'm still thinking it over myself and so I don't want to go into it too much yet.  Maybe later.  Long story short: my political views are somewhat different than they were when I got here.  I'll let you all chew on that for a while

Aaaaaaand I think I'm done.

I Have A Guitar!!

I bought my guitar today!  Oh man I'm so excited to start learning.  It's a used one and it's made of cedar (I think) so it's got a sort of dark, rich look to it.  It's beautiful and is resting on its stand next to my desk as we speak.  Oh man. 

We looked through the "teach yourself guitar" books at the store but didn't find any that were really good and worth spending a 20 bucks on.  Does anyone know any good online resources to start learning chords/notes/songs/etc?  I'm so anxious to get started I'll start with anything!

Shoot.  I forgot to get a pick.

--edit--

I've been practicing scales and chords.  So far the only chord I can play without wincing in pain is D major.  I've even come up with a small variation of D by lifting my first finger from the second fret as I strum.  It's simple but it sounds good.  C and G hurt like heck and are actually darn near impossible.  I think it's combination of the fact that I have very small hands for a guy and this guitar has a wide neck.  But regardless, how do people bend their fingers this way???

HECK YES!!

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow? I'm buying a guitar!!! Yes!! Used, classical guitar, nylon strings, comes with a stand, a bag, and everything else...180 euro. Heck yes baby. I'm so excited! I've wanted to learn to play forever and now I finally will! My buddy Almir is gonna teach me.

Life in Germany is rocking my socks off right now. I LOVE it here. A bunch of us are going to Heidelberg and Konstanz this weekend. It shall be awesome.

Man life just ROCKS!!!